What exactly do I call this?

My holidays went by very quickly and I just figured I haven’t done much to be proud of. It was a six-month holiday and I feel like it’s just been six days after my exams. It’s about a week to college and I don’t even feel like it’s a week to college. Everyone asks me the same question; “Are you excited?” and I answer them in the same old tone, “I don’t know” and may be smile a bit after that. Well I don’t know in fact. I have mixed feelings about college and that tells me that I am in a crucial stage of my life. I remember when it was a week to high school. I was already done with the packings, prepared for the new place and the most important thing was that I was able to imagine how it’d be. But this is different right now. I’ll be going to the College of Science and Technology (Popularly known as CST) in Phuntsholing to study Architecture. And the thing is that I cannot at all picture myself in college. I know this is dramatic and may be funny to some people, but right after high school, I felt like everything fell apart. I cannot literally explain how but life became hard.

What’s so funny is that if you stick to all the values learned at school and home, your life is kind of boring. And god knows why. I mean, isn’t that funny that life has so many turns and it doesn’t really work if you just follow the rules. See we are taught that to be happy, we have to be honest, kind, helpful and not deceitful. But as far as I have seen, many people who are truthful are not as happy as people who take shortcuts. May be I haven’t seen the complete world yet but the part of it I’ve seen really confuses me. Everyone was talking about this famous Bollywood movie called “pk” and I watched it a week ago. It was about an alien who lands on earth but loses his remote control to go back to his planet. So he learns human behaviours. Many things confuse him on earth and especially god who comes in different forms. I thought over this movie many times and I’m still thinking. What if everything we’ve believed is a big fat lie? What if pink was not actually pink but blue? And I hate it that nobody can answer it!

So I was talking about college, one place I was longing to go ever since I knew how beautiful colleges are, the kind of freedoms we’d get. But now when it’s just about a few days to be in a college, I feel I’m not ready yet. So what is it? Is it something I really want that I want or something I haven’t ever thought of? One thing I’ve learnt is that many wishes don’t get fulfilled at once and we cannot get everything we want. Well I hate this very fact. I’m reading these lines again and I feel very childish and stupid.

So let me think of my college. My college is going to be a huge building. And a lot of people with phones. But I don’t see myself. And again my stupid thoughts roll in. Is god trying to surprise me this time?